Death Coach

My name is Jimbo. I'm not a 'weirdo' or 'kooky'. In fact, if I went on TV dating show, I'd probably describe myself like this. "I'm a pretty normal type of a guy, who likes to go out and just generally have a good time and I don't mind trying things that are a bit different, every now and then". That's why I decided to take on, pop psychology's latest fad. It's called a 'Death coach'.

We all know about Life Coaches. They address the feeling that perhaps we are missing out in life, by not breaking out, taking risks and going for what we 'really want' in life. Life coaches address this reluctance to change, by providing mentorship which the traditional role models within family and church perhaps, no longer provide. Life coaches are confidants who gently nudge us in the direction of our dreams e.g. they help us spring clean relationships, change careers, earn more money, and get the motivation to be fit etc.

Death coaches are different. They see the achievement of your dreams as overrated and not worth it, particularly if it's something extraordinary. Death coaches recognise that upon climbing to the top of your personal mountains, you'll see a magnificent view but they also see the arduous journey required to get there, as coming at the expense, of the one thing in life that makes, all humans happy. That is, the richness of human interaction. The feeling of camaraderie felt, by having people around you in your life who are going through, exactly the same things as you. People who know, 'how you feel'.

By following your dreams, you may acquire great stories and grow to be admired but along the increasingly lonely road to your peak, you will also be dogged by a sense of longing, to go down and join the mob, again. Death coaches, recommended, that you act on these urges and return to the pack as soon as you feel isolated. They say, 'Fuck the top of the mountain. It's not worth it'. They also say, that if you ask anyone who has climbed to the top of Mt Everest, what they really thought of the experience, the answer (after a few beers) would be, "It was fuckin' cold and I couldn't wait to get down".

Death coaches also point out that the lessons learnt from going out on limb, are generally of much more benefit to the group, than for the individuals who do it - particularly when the branch breaks. Plus if you do make it back from the edge of the limb, the only job that you're really qualified to do from there, is motivational talks. Death coaches recommend that, to be happy for the maximum amount of time in your life, the smart thing to do is simply hang with the herd and enjoy their company. My Death coach, analysed my life and identified 12 key areas, I need to touch up on. Or as he called them, 'The 12 commandments for happiness'. Each lesson cost $100. I'd like to share, with you, what he taught me.

First. Cigarettes.

Cigarettes are at first, disgusting, give you headspins, make you cough and stink your clothes. Addiction though, has its rewards. Foremost being, the smoker's network, which gives you access to a wealth of gossip, more pleasurable than nicotine, itself. This makes smoker's far more interesting to be around, than non-smokers. All smokers will confirm this. Just ask anyone chewing on a lung lolly outside a hospital in a wheelchair, straight after their leg amputation.

Second. Alcohol.

Without alcohol, not many of us would be here. Our parents would have never met, let alone shagged. One of the reasons people drink, is to cope with the sober people. Drinker's love to talk loudly and laugh. One of their many private jokes is to repeat themselves to sober people, until they go away. Have a few drinks with a drinker though and by closing time, you'll either want to fuck or fight 'em. This is because alcohol cuts the bullshit out of life, by bringing people together, one way or the other. If you don't believe me, go hang outside a nightclub, at closing time.

Third. Bills.

Bills are like herpes. They're a hassle and keep returning, but after a while you get used to them. They include: rent, landline, internet, electricity, RSL subscriptions, golf club subscriptions, gym membership, health insurance, life insurance, income insurance, home and contents insurance, car insurance, car repayments, credit card, direct debits, the cleaner, lay by, hire purchase, savings, school fees, superannuation. Everyone who stays in one place picks them up. They then accumulate, like layers of fat. Bills are worth it though, as that they form a natural sense of belonging, with 99% of the population. If you've got nothing to say, just complain about the bills in your life. Then listen to them complain about theirs.

A mortgage bill is a fee you pay every month, so you've got a place, to store all your stuff. It's the biggest bill of all. Even bigger than the bill that humanity owes to the environment. The best thing about signing up for a mortgage is that it takes away life's biggest burden - the idealism of your youth.

Fourth. Kids.

The world is overpopulated, therefore having kids is no longer an evolutionary necessity for the survival of the species. However, as you get older there is a far greater necessity. That is, to not feel like a freak at social gatherings. If there isn't a pram at a social gathering, it's because everyone there, is still trying. Trying to conceive or trying to find, 'the one'. When you have a kid, you'll be so glad this is not 'you' anymore.

The best thing about breeding is the mind-blowing experience it is to see, your child speak and stand for the first time. Sharing this joy with a childless person is useless because for some reason they seem to expect a child, to be doing these things, by age two. For the next ten years, after a child can stand and talk, parents will then tell their children to 'sit down and shut up'. When your child is finally, able to fend for themselves, after about two decades, they will then blame you, for ruining their life. Not knowing what this feels like, will lead to a deep sense of loneliness in the nursing home when no-one visits you, for an autograph on your will.

Fifth. Settling down.

Settling down is exactly the same thing, that happens to cordial. You stop moving and the sediment goes to the bottom. I.e. you go grey, bald and get fat. You then start to worry that potential sex partners will not drink you. The best way to combat this is to start collecting as much money and beauty tips as possible, from the moment you leave school, so that when the ageing signs start to happen, you're in the best position to get a top trade-in price, on your old life.

Selling out of single life, involves pretending, that you only want to root one person, for the rest of your life. This is necessary, in order to get 'the other half' to sign the marriage contract. Your sex life from then will turn from a variable rate to depreciating fixed interest. When you're single you root anything that moves. When you're married you root something that doesn't.

Sixth. Exercise.

Walking down to the shops, does not make sense because by the time you get in a car and circle round for a park, it'll take the same time, anyway. Getting fat, is a sign of comfort and it's as easy as paying other people to do all the work, in your life - e.g. cleaners, gardeners, removalists, car washers and hookers. Some people even go to the extent of paying people, to put the napkin in their lap, before they eat. By not exercising you'll die earlier, which will come as a huge relief, considering how shit you feel when you reach 60, anyway. The only way to relieve this is through perving. The most socially acceptable place to perve is at the gym. Once there, just copy what everyone else is doing: wear the right gear, have a towel over your shoulder, carry a water bottle and keep walking to the next machine.

Seventh. Diet.

When you shop, don't buy nuts, fruit, vegetables or bread. There is far much more money you can spend on food, for a fraction of the nutritional value. Only eat things that come in a plastic wrapper. Don't eat food that comes protected in its own skin or shell. You'll know you're on the right track when you're turds start to sink. Shit food, feels horrible once it hits your stomach. The upside however is that, once in the mouth, the salt, sugar and oil, will blow your taste buds away. So much so, that salads and subtle flavours will never taste the same again.

These explosions created in your mouth provide instant relief, from the subconscious grief, you feel in the pit of your soul, from all the things that continually shit ya - i.e. the food you eat, bills, your boss, kids, your partner, the renovations, and the way you look in the mirror. People who don't pepper their day with chocolate and deep fried food, end up, committing suicide or homicide. So don't eat with them, just in case they snap. Your body is made up of 80% water, so don't put any more of that, in your body, either. Instead, wash down your food with a cocktail of tea, coffee, alcohol and headache tablets.

Eighth. Conversing with people.

Conversational small talk within society is the great determiner of correct behaviour. Its function is much the same as that which a mirror, provides to a budgie, in captivity. Security and companionship. When in the society, the best way to fit in is to mirror the dominant political attitude. All personal attitudes should be left to yourself or a good friend at 'smoko'. Playing this game will also give you a sense of contribution to society’s great asset: homogeny, as well as 'smoko's' greatest asset: diversity.

Playing the game of conversation inside ‘society’ is like haggling. You must enjoy it, to be good at it. The best way to master 'tweeting into the mirror' is to start talking about stuff which is impossible to disagree with e.g. weather observations. The fact that you go from one temperature controlled environment to another all day, is irrelevant. Another example, is commenting on the excellent choice of clothing, the person you are talking to, is wearing. You'll rarely get disagreement on this. To show how comfortable you are in society you can then, venture onto topics that evoke infinitesimal differences in opinion.

Examples include, discussing Big Brother evictions or the big 'controversial' question asked at every dinner party over dessert: 'Do you think Michael Jackson is guilty? I told my death coach what I reckoned. I said that "asking me whether I reckon Michael Jackson is guilty is a bit like asking me whether I reckon Lady Di ever sucked Charles' cock and then spat it out, blaming it on 'Bulimia'. I.e. The answer is, "I don't know because I've never, met any of them, let alone been in their bedroom." My death coach suggested I leave this opinion to 'smoko'.

The next level of conversation is enforcing society rules. I.e. demonstrating your power within its structure. This is best done by demonstrating your adherence to 'conventional wisdom' and shunning those that don't. Conventional wisdom are opinions that, while not necessarily well founded, are so widely held among the loaded and influential that only idiots endanger their careers and place in society, by disagreeing with them. Conventional wisdom appeals to people's base fears while claiming the moral high ground. It's a neat trick considering that when these opinions are eventually found out to be bullshit, no one is ever held accountable. The reasons for invading Iraq, is one example. The children overboard allegations is another example, the dotcom speculation that shops will disappear is another example, the wisdom in spending over half a million dollars, on a house, another.

Indulge and re-enforce in these mindless theories as much as you can, at social gatherings. This will give you maximum access to the free food being passed around. Stepping outside of this paradigm and putting thought into what you are actually saying, (especially if it involves empathy for people who don't dress like you do), will only make people in your social group, think that you're 'a little bit lost'. They won't say this to your face though. Conventional wisdom forbids it. They may however check your pockets, as you leave and make it hard for you to get back into 'society', next time you want some resources and impossible should you ever come to, need these resources.

Ultimate power is signified in megalomania. This is not for everyone but admired by many. This is where you get agreement by talking about outrageous ideas and then killing everyone who disagrees with you. This is done firstly by running for office. Success in this is done best by championing, 'family values'. Once in power, immediately label a certain 'type' of people whom you want to generate more power from, as being devoid of these very 'family values'. The best targets are 'types' that are plentiful but weak and only seen on TV. Then pay troops to go in and cluster bomb them into submission. While this is going on, justify your actions by saying, it's your duty to protect the innocent people, who voted for you.

If you want to be happy though, don't go for megalomania, because it can be very lonely at the top. Just ask Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. At all social gatherings, involving humans, the same group dynamics always happen. i.e. it doesn't matter whether you're at a Tupperware party, a bikie gang club meeting, a friend’s 21st, 30th or 50th birthday, a state reception, an office Christmas party, a Klu Klux Klan meeting, a funeral, a neighbourhood watch meeting, a mosque in Mecca, a church in Jerusalem, a temple in Kathmandu, a golf club's new member's night or an old stripper's reunion.

All people when they enter gatherings of 'their kind', do the same thing. That is, they go straight towards someone they know everything about and 'catch up' while looking over their shoulder and building up the confidence to approach someone better to talk to. As this happens, the couplings in the party, naturally start to merge into bigger groups, with one person talking and the rest listening. These groups will keep merging, right up until someone starts banging a fork on a glass or mumbling into a mic, 'does this work?'

At this point, people will pretend to listen. This is because speeches are rarely about things, that people are truly interested in: sex, getting off your face and bitching. The closest they will go to these topics, is through subtle word play. For example the MC, at a Miss Universe competition will never say, 'By the way, nice tits, who's the lucky prick, sticking his cock up you? This is despite everyone else in the world, thinking the same thing. Instead he'll say, 'who is the lucky man, in your life?' The number one rule in group talk, particularly as the amount of people listening, increases, is to always err on the side of boring the whole crowd, instead of running the risk of offending one solitary person in the audience. Offending someone, will only increase your chances of being sued or sacked by someone keen to practice their power, on you. In which case, it'll be back to the end of the queue, outside the 'society' club for you.

Thanks to 'terrorism', there is now a new phenomenon happening in the world today, where just about everyone on the planet gets to listen to one person do a speech. The speaker on these occasions will divide the world, into an apocalyptic war, between two tribes. When this happens, you'll find the speaker not referring to sex at all. Instead he will talk about, our other great primal instinct. That is the fear that humans from the 'other tribe', will hurt us and, take 'things' away from us e.g. our daily routine.

The speaker at these global proclamations will talk about 'how scary people are, from outside his tribe and how he can protect you from them if you join his tribe because his God, kicks arse over anybody else's God', type stuff. Phrases like, 'Axis of evil' and 'If you're not with us, you must be against us', will be used. The main importance of speeches however, is that they mark the halfway point of a party, where people suddenly swap from 'catching up' to 'mucking up'. I.e. it's a great time, to sneak out the back for a cigarette, in order to find out, who really is 'rootin that chick'.

Ninth. Entertainment.

To enjoy your leisure time, you must spend money. Anything else will only lead to boredom, which will lead to self contemplation which could then lead onto anti-social behaviour like taking heroin or even worse - talking to a stranger, while sober. This is not on. It may also lead you to discover that people, who are different to you, aren't really. This will then lead to you questioning the amount of tax, your government spends on killing strangers. People in your social group will then change their spiel on you, from 'he's a little bit lost' to 'he's lost it'. After a few beers, some may even say it to your face.

The best entertainment is one which has a bright flashing screen with images flashing across it. e.g. poker machines, TV’s, movies, keno, the TAB, video juke boxes, mobile phones, computers, pinball machines, microwaves, advertising billboards, pocket organisers, video link-ups, dashboards, laptops and video games. These things to adults are what a pacifier is to a baby. Watching screens with people on it is also a smart way to find out about human nature without exposing yourself to the risks associated with human interaction.

The king of all screens, will always be TV, simply because you don't have to walk through a public space, (where people are), to get to it. TV is also a great way of keeping your partner out of the pub and re-enforcing conventional wisdom, such as, 'I reckon we should just fence those mad Arabs in, in and let them blow themselves up'. And if you don't like what's on TV, be assertive and confident. Tell the actors or presenters right to their face, that you think they're a 'talentless bore'. Then change the channel.

If you are involved in active entertainment, where there is a two way interaction between you and a live human performer, make sure it's a musical act that had a 'greatest hits' album released, twenty years ago. When the lead singer says, 'it's so good to be here', make sure you're so moved by their heartfelt connection with you, that you get out of your seat, for their last song. Afterwards, don't forget to tell people about this 'spontaneity'. They will then, be impressed with your 'passion'. It will also show people that you are still, 'young at heart'.

Always make sure that the TV show, movie or musical act you see, is known to as many other people on the planet as possible. The more famous they are, the more of a 'lifestyle', it'll prove you have. Seeing a cover band or tribute band is acceptable too. But only if you put the equivalent amount of money, you'd spend on seeing the 'real thing', over the bar. Afterwards you can then brag about how the cover band was so good, they could have been 'the real thing'. When you go to a karaoke night, the same amount of alcohol applies. Afterwards you must justify why you went, by saying, "you should have seen some of the singer's who got up. Oh my God, it was so tragic." It will make you feel like everyone else, because they'll know, 'exactly how you feel'.

If you walk past a pub, theatre or cinema which has no-one performing in it, whom you've heard of before, there is a reason. They are shithouse. Do not waste your money on the three buck, cover charge, put towards their petrol money. If you haven't heard about them on television, radio or in the newspaper, they will be of no use, talking about, around the water cooler the next day, at work. In fact you'll look like a dickhead who secretly wants to leave his job and do the same thing. To stop all forms of amateur/unknown entertainment flourishing and perhaps one day having their own tribute band, register your disgust, by going into the nearest pokie room and blowing $200. Bet the maximum and always double up. That way, you'll be able to have an 'early night'.

Tenth. Speeding.

Whenever you get in your car or motorbike, you must speed and exhibit rage towards anyone or anything that slows you down. Beeping your horn, says 'my time is worth more than yours, so hurry up and cross the road, before I turn you into a speed bump.' It doesn't sound like fun but you'll be surprised, what a little indignation does to your sense of self-importance.

To increase your ability to speed, you must cram as many chores into your day, as you can, while at no time, taking time out from the three hours of TV, you watch, each night. The extra $40k, you spend on your car, in order to save 1.2 seconds getting TO the speed limit, is well worth the extra time you spend each day, doing overtime, to earn it. Trust me, paying heaps for a car, is a real buzz. Akin to leaving rubber on the road, after pulling out from, a Bob Jane tyre centre. Getting a car with a good horn and disc brakes will also, shave vital 'tenths of a second' off your time, in between traffic lights. You may even get home faster, than the guy who walks. This will piss him right off and bolster your self esteem.

Eleventh. A passionless job.

Do a job you hate. The hallmark of a job you hate is spending more time at work pretending that you're working than you do, actually getting the job done. It's also a job, where the effort pretending to other people, that you still like the job, is more than the effort required, to do the job. When you leave school, there is a huge incentive to do this in order to pay bills, instead of pursuing what you wanted to do, 'when you grew up'. While this may seem pointless, there is a potential upside. Some of the occupations, in the jobs that 'you just fell into', can lead to lots of money. E.g. sales work for a product that just happens to have the backing of a one hour info-mercial before the religious show, at 3am. This extra commission will then enable you to buy stuff in order to impress all the people in your life, whom you don't like, either.

If you happen to have a job that you love, people will constantly tell you, 'I really admire you, for what you do.' They will also go onto say how they sponsor a child. But don't be fooled. This is just another way of saying 'You own nothing that I'm impressed with. How wretched your life must be'. By the way, a mother in Africa gets her children to stop complaining by saying this: 'I know carting water everyday for ten kilometres is hard but if you were born in a western country, this is what you'd have to do everyday, when you grow up: Get up at 7am, spend an hour crawling through, traffic and working ten hours a day. This work makes your skin go pasty and ruins your eyes and back. At the end of each day, you'll then have to spend another hour crawling through traffic before going to the gym and getting on another treadmill that goes absolutely nowhere. At the end of the week, the only way you'll be able to escape this life is by drinking a brew, that makes you feel, nauseous. By the time, you recover, it'll be Monday, again... So stop complaining, we're only three kilometres from home'. The moral of this story is this: Anything you do for a job can be justified. All you need is a good spin doctor.

One note of warning: By doing a job you hate, continually, year after year, you may find yourself unable to handle the unpredictable or 'wild' side of life, outside of society's protective cage. E.g. taking a holiday. This is just as bad as drinking on the job and can become a problem to people around you, who wonder whether you are even capable of living outside, society's formalities. If you are forced to take a holiday, the best way to handle it, is to make sure it's a package holiday with everything organised, leaving no room for surprises. If you do feel like a surprise the best way to find it, is by stopping in every town and checking out the real estate window - especially if it's got bright, flashing lights and a screen. This will make the time, you spend away from your desk a little bit more meaningful, plus allow, your family to have a piss and buy chocolate.

Twelfth. Material goods.

Buying stuff is a reward, for doing a job you hate. New stuff is the way to go because it breaks down twice as fast, thus giving you more opportunities to buy. Necessity is not the mother of all inventions. Planned obsolescence is. This time, you take, going to the Supercentre, each weekend, while checking out your neighbour's gear, on the way, is called 'Leisure time'. If the stuff you buy, isn't breaking quick enough, renovate and extend. If your council doesn't take bribes, buy another house. Do not at any point, stop and be totally satisfied with what you've got. Happiness is like a 'nest egg'. I.e. it’s something you save up for, when you're 'not so busy'.

Anyway, I did my twelve lessons and learnt a lot from my death coach. My life is slowly turning around, a bit. I don't know how long, it will last though. It's always like that in courses, hey! You come out so hyped and ready to do everything they say and then 'presto', you're back to your old habits again. Anyway, we'll see. The death coaching thing definitely has 'made a difference', to my life, though. Especially with regards to the amount of money, I've got left. But as always, when broke, I get creative. What I do now, is tape TV shows all day and then sit down at night and fast forward through to the 'Ads'. It saves me a lot of money and I get exactly the same messages, my death coach charges me $100 a lesson for. No wonder it hasn't caught on yet...

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