Sydney Big Night Out review archives....

The Bull n Bush Hotel, Baulkaum Hills. 24/3/04

I love the Bull n Bush. I've been down there every second week for the last couple of months and have got to know many of the locals who have made me feel welcome and get amongst the chat on stage. Eddie is the main man. He was one of the first to buy my 'I fucked a goat t-shirts'. He told me this week how he was walking through Bankstown in broad daylight when a copper pulled over and came up to him. The copper wanted to know where to get one!

Anyway the talent quest was one tonight by Jo the plumber for blowing smoke rings. He took out the $20 and then had to give it to his mate who had bought dinner. A close second was Tino the Italian cabbie who sung a song about masturbating. Skye came third for telling a joke that didn't work and then saying it was her boyfriend Owen's joke anyway. Basha the bouncer also got up and did some pushups. Chris got up and told everyone about the brothel next door. Lola the Leso nearly got up but didn't this week. It was a top night.

New Year's Eve, Pritchard's Pub, Mt Pritchard. 31/12/2003

What better way to celebrate the big night than at your local. Fuck going into the city and being tossed around like a trough lolley in a urinal. Pritchard's went off. It was my first time at the place after Sascha and Shane had seen the show at The Albion and asked me to come over. Very impressed with their advertising in the month leading up to it. The joint was packed.And what a great bunch of locals. As usual the freaks floated to the top.

First up we had 'X-ray', the local drunk who kicked proceeding off with some two beer dancing. Unfortunately X-ray went out a little too hard and didn't make it to midnight. He was last seen under in the car park, pretending to be a speed bump. We then had Greg and Lindsay come up and get stuck in to me. Lindsay had to then go back home to get some long pant to wear. After all it was New Year's Eve.

We then had Dave get up and brag that he has the longest every banning from the pub. Sixteen years apparently for kneeing someone in the head. Lovely bloke though, with a great tattoo of Souths Sydney on his stomach. Nice touch the extra 's' the end of 'South' too. Anyway Dave took out the male stripper award in a triumphant return to the pub by getting down to his pants and showing everyone that one-eyed supporters don't need, to be able to spell. We then had some chick get up and tell the pub how she was the best root in the world before flashing her tits. Who were we to argue? In between the bullshit we had Leonie the DJ get up and pump the tunes out, as well as pash some guy behind the console. Who said, only guy DJ's pull the groupies.

And who could forget Justin Timberlake's stoner brother and his girlfriend, Special K. Perfect snatch also went off and was won by Vicky B from The Pointless Sisters. Emad, needed a step ladder to kiss her. Second place was Vivien - Joyce Mayne's, love child. And how about Alby Mangle's brother who stepped up to the stage to show everyone how he could remove his undies via his jean's trouser leg. In all ended in tears though, when a horny scotsman got bored and came up and pulled his jeans off, while he was spread-eagled on the dance floor. Thanks Pritchard's, it was an awesome way to bring the New Year in!

The Riverside Theatre, Parramatta. 30/12/04

The experiment to put The Big Night Out was like a 30 year old virgin saving up to buy the best hooker in town. I did my load but had a great time doing it. Many thanks to all the 180 audience members who turned up to support the show. And what a show. The line up included, a goat, the Indian Bondage King, a juggling troupe, Michelle our resident fat-o-gram, a male stripper for the chicks and poofters, Brendon Lovechild from Mullumbimby, Jolene the artist, the band Four Walls, the comedian Dave Pollard. Stars in the audience were the Model T car club who not only sat up the front and copped a full wad of youth culture but got right in the spirit of the night.

Highlights of the night for me were the flying blow up penis' jumping around the crowd at the beginning of the night and Spoofy asking me after the show, why I didn't fuck the goat. At the end of the day the venue size was a bit ambitious and the no-alcohol rule not really compatible to Big Night Out viewing though. A big thanks to Tim, Matt and Aaron for the their positive encouragement and technical help leading up the show plus e-man on camera, plus Dee doing the website all the way from Ireland! We've learnt a lot and the Big Night Out, rocks on! The Big Night Out gets back to it's roots at The Tollgate on Tuesday nights, and The Bull n Bush on Wednesdays. Come down, say G'day and have a drink.

November 13th 2003 - The BNO wake. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

After over two years of continuous, four hour weekly shows, the BNO was dramatically axed this week by the management company, who owns over 15 pubs, including The Albion Hotel. From what I gather, via their complex messenger system of hierarchical chinese whispers, the powers that be are concerned that the content of the show would lead to someone reporting the show as offensive and therefore jeopodise the groups' standing with Licensing police. I.e their trust funds.

Instead of talking to me (I've never met them), the owners are choosing to deal with me via veiled legal threats through a company they employ to do their venue entertainment booking and dirty work. Anyway blah blah blah, shit happens. I'm not taking getting kicked out, with the dignity that our homeless friend Bronson did, but I'm trying. I turned up to the BNO this week, to just really say thank you to the people who have supported the show over the years. I was blown away. I've already had offers from five local pubs who are prepared to take up the show. I also got 180 e-mails and phone numbers of people who said they'd continue to support the show. This was in the space of just a couple of hours walking around the pub, talking to people who were stunned to find out the show had been axed by people who own the pub but haven't seen the show. Apparently they did send along some of their little people to have a look though, and they weren't amused - despite the fact that a pub full of people were pissing themselves around them. They then reported back and.... Anyway, whatever!

On a personal note, in all my years of making people laugh for a living, the BNO was by far and away the most rewarding experience I've ever had. You guys cracked me up! Thank you for getting what the show was all about, getting into it, and indeed creating it. The BNO was all about the crowd. I love you all! We've had some good times and hopefully they'll continue again soon, in a venue, which is owned by people who have a bit more contact with their patrons. Stay tuned to the website.

November 6th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta

I was away this week doing gigs to the army boys in the Solomon Islands. Thanks to the Pointless sisters for filling in!

October 30th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta

A solid night as we kick into the party season. Jeannie had the room full from the beginning with her, 'I finally got redundancy from Telstra before I go off to become a copper party'. Our feature act was 'Bike Boy' who came down and rocked the joint with a highly visual and funny act. Thanks to Steve Edmonds for finding him.

The boys from Sirus Black also came down again and injected some playful atmosphere into the night. Hopefully they'll be able to land some paid gigs down at The Albion soon. Stay tuned for an announcement. We had perfect snatch plus best arse competition which was taken out by Amanda. The prize was presented by Steve who won the guitar lick competition. Best arse in the guy's section was won by Bike Boy thanks to some extraordinary ink work covering both cheeks. Hey, it was a top night.

October 23rd 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

After a record bar tab last week, the BNO didn't reach the dizzying depths that we've come to expect tonight. Management are concerned that the show is pushing the boundaries too far. It's a tough one because that's why we turn up. Anyway, we've been told that there are to be no cocks on stage. Tits are fine though. This is all good except it means it's not as interesting for the chicks. And we love chicks in the crowd... because they've got tits. Anyway...that's basically the business model of the night for any pub owner interested!

Special acts on tonight were the Marconi soccer club cheerleaders and Chris 'the Bloke' Franklin. Well done to all. Next week, I'm going to be in the Solomon Islands doing some dick jokes for our Army boys and girls. Make sure you still get down to the night though, because we've got some special guests hosting the show. Stay tuned too for the release of the 'Best of the BNO' DVD - Make sure you get a copy before the court injunction.

October 16th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

The Big Night Out was tonight was a genuine, surreal party. On a more specific note, it was a blur of tits, with the place packed and heaving like wound-up-mound. Highlights included Sirius Black who came back and rocked the joint and generously gave up the instruments to anyone wanting a go. Drumming, guitar licking, we had it all. Diego getting up on stage to pash Bryony. The return of Heinrich. And who could forget the Aussie Osbourne family. Mum, Alice the schoolgirl, living next door to Rob her boyfriend, Ken and Rob. What great value.

And what about the tit competition. Sucking, licking everything. Even Mum's tits got sucked by Chris the drummer. The night was mad, wrong yet all so right. Next week we've got Chris 'the Bloke' Franklin and the Marconi soccer team cheer squad. See you there.

October 9th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

I wasn't too sure what to do tonight. We've seen all the comedians, we've seen tits and cocks sucked on stage. Where else can you go? I left it up to the comedy gods to grant me some freaks from the audience to play with and the big fella upstairs, didn't let us down. Highlight for the first half of the show, was perfect snatch which had George up on stage saying he couldn't kiss a girl until he asked for his mum's advice. So what we did was call her up and then get someone to pick her up to come down.

Claudia, his Mum, did a great job, telling her son, 'the more the better'. We then had Alain the hynotist grace the stage after a three month break and absolutely rock the place, again for a solid hour of riveting stuff. From there the show went feral.

There were complaints last week that there were no jugs on stage. We made up for it this week, with some cash giveaways for best tits. Firstly we had the blokes up for the best pecs section. Heinrich the german won, on sheer stage prescence. We then had best Man boobs. Tim, the no.1 BNO fan won hands down with his rug and gut combo. We then had the girls up for best tits. And what a performance from Jade, Sevo, Mel and Kim. All of them bounced, jigged and licked the crowd into a frenzy with a magnificent display of gratuitous hooter exhibitionism at it's best. Thanks also to Maz who upped the stakes with his own cash input.

After that,we fed, Daniel Townes and Squeaky Bill to the lions with some comedy. Tough gig after the tit-fest. We then had a mass balloon making section, during which we had the first scuffle I've ever seen at the BNO. Apparently one guy was disapointed his balloon was yellow not purple. The show then went down hill even further into the depths and crevices that only the BNO can find. Highlight for me was Heirich, who gave a sublime display of background clowning next to the wheel, culminating in him getting fucked by a chair with a balloon strap on. It was a top night.

October 2nd 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

The Albion had a another big crowd tonight, which was great considering the rain. We kicked off the night with Lisa and Rhonda the Kiwi girls getting up on the couch for a bit of banter and perfect snatch. We then had Tommy Dean inflict some intelligent humour on the crowd before Sirius Black made their big return to the stage with some suprisingly good songs. Thanks Rob, Corey, Chris and Rocco. We look forward to the CD.

We had a lot of talent on stage to follow as well, which included Pete Meisel, Brett Nichols and James the magician. Highlight for me though was the talent quest. Carl and Adam got up and gave a sensational parody of the 'Lady in Red song' and then sung a BNO song they had written. It bought a tear to my eye and so did Albert who wrote my name in piss on the pavement outside. Tim and Matt caught it all on camera and then showed it to the whole crowd after. Art at it's best. Heckler of the night went to 'D' from D's smash repair. And who could forget 'Onya Sonya'. Thank you all for coming and spreading the word. See you next week for more madness.

September 25th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

Tonight was a weird one. I can't remember much, mainly because I hit the piss tonight on stage for the first time in two years of the BNO. i.e I had about four bourbon and cokes. We talked shit up front as usual and then bought Darren Sanders on who creamed the crowd with an assortment of smut, tailor written for the night and probably never to be repeated. We then had James, a guy from the crowd get up and do some hypnotism and magic. I was amazed at how silent the crowd was during his act. Not bad. We then had a wet t-shirt competition. Stef won for ringing the shirt out above her head while showing the crowd her chest puppies for the fourth week in a row. The show seriously went down hill from there. I was seriously at a loss at what to do or say. I think the last four weeks of excitement, started to take it's toll on me. So I did what the rest of the crowd was doing to cope with the situation. I drunk heavily.

In the meantime, as assortment of characters got up and told jokes until Trevor Crook arrived. Well done Trevor. Tough gig but you did well. Thanks also to John Kelly who drove him out. From there we had lot of shit until the die-hard, stick to the end BNO'uters, were treated to what they expect. Some weird shit.

Firstly Lindsey got up and told about her experiences many years ago when she let a football team root her. She said it was one of the best experiences of her life and she recommended it to any other girl out there. Stef then got up and told how she took on five guys last Tuesday night after a tip footy game. Even Pasche from the Bandido's was a little shocked. We then had another girl get up and sit on the couch. I don't know how it happened but we got around to talking about cunnilingus. She then said she'd let Rob lick her out on stage, on film. It was all going to happen until her friends and management stepped in to say things had gone too far. (Perhaps a year too late!).

Anyway that was it for this week - who knows where the madness will begin or end. Don't forget to SMS, SLM mag with a text revue. In case they don't believe you, send in photos.

September 18th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

The BNO tonight, had a playful vibe which was more on the 'wholesome' end of the spectrum. Apart from the guy who fucked a goat, that is. Rob the tit-sucker approached me about letting his band play on stage. They rocked. An original and a cover song followed by a challenge from the crowd to have a guitar play-off with Rocco their lead guitarist. Rocco killed them taking on all challengers. If he didn't beat them with a riff lick (whatever that is), he did it by playing guns and roses behind his head. Ron the last guy looked to have him beat with an awesome display, of playing his guitar, like it was a piano. The crowd loved it. It was back to Rocco. What happened next was awesome. He thought 'I'm not going to beat him on talent, I'm going to beat him on creative showmanship'. He then stepped up to the mic to play an acoustic pop song. One by one the band joined in, then the people from the crowd also got up to sing and dance. A magic moment and he took the comp out. Well done Rocco and the Sirius Black boys.

We than had a dance off, followed by a lot of choclate being licked off people's bodies (especially Karina's). Don't know how we got there from a band playing songs, but we did. Thank you, to the Pointless sisters who showed us why they are now in Nova's final for 'Nova Idol'. Good luck. Thank you also to Paul Brasch and Chris Wainhouse for putting on a highly unique comedy act. Instead of coming on after each other, they alternated, doing five minutes each for about an hour. Sensational! At the end the crowd were literally mind-fucked from the relentless display of two of the most punchy comics around, in tandem.

Some other shit happened but I'm too tired to remember. See you next week. I don't know what's going to happen. Let's keep making it up, when we get there.

September 11th 2003. The Albion Hotel, (One year anniversary of the Osama Bin Laden theme night)

We had a lot of new people come down to The Albion this week. Amazing what a blow-job on stage can do for word of mouth. Tonight was an extremely solid night with the best of everything. The comedians were top notch. Sally Kimpton, Lil FX and Mick Meredith plus Dario. Thanks heaps, you all rocked. In between we had the usual madness. Perfect snatch went off with the three ladies vying for the attention of Eddie the Iraqi Refugee, who has quickly gained cult status. Sexy, peaceful, funny and humble. You go Eddie. Natalie won him and got the opportunity to give him a hand doing a piss in the ladies.

Kylie also got up and made a passionate case for why I should shag Alex. A big highlight for me, was Amanda the prostitute who got up and gave a great interview on the ins and outs of her profession.

Chris and Rob sung some suprisingly awesome original songs, which was in complete contrast to their tit-sucking frenzy from the previous week. They'll be back next week with their band. Troy the Big Italian got up with Amanda the prossie and both of them zinged the crowd with their slant on the world. Another crowd favourite act, in the making.

Sauce boy Matt, Chris and Mark gave some more of their urban rap displays. At the end of the night Amanda the prossie and her friend, also called Amanda, got up and showed us how girls made love. It was a great finale. Highlight of the night though, was footage caught by Sauce Boy Matt and Tim on camera of the infamous blow-job on stage, last week. . Hopefully we'll have a tattooist on stage next week, amongst the other acts and madness. Thanks to all who participated and/or just enjoyed the show. Don't forget to put and comments ideas etc on the forum section.

September 4th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta. (Night of the incident).

Tonight's BNO was well and truly off the Richter scale. I keep saying the last BNO can not be topped but this one went so far beyond the pale I can't believe, I'm now not sitting in a jail cell. Perhaps that will come later this week.

The night started off with nothing unusual. We had Rachel the singer turn up, with a horse and sing a couple of tunes on stage. Highlight being the horse skulling a can of XXXX beer. From there, things got out of control. It started off innocently. I put $200 up for the Albion Idol contest, open to anyone who could do anything on stage. It was to be judged purely on crowd reaction. First up, was a scene straight out of Eight Mile. Sauce boy Matt, Chris, Rob and Mark gave a great Aussie urban display of rapping and breaking which got the crowd pumping. Everything went down hill from there. I don't know whether it was the money, Mars' close proximity to earth, or what.

Renee and Suzanne pashed, then Stef let two boys suck each of her tits at the same time, then the cream came out. Tits were being sucked left right and centre. Then Brendan and Michelle walked on stage and said they could beat everyone. They said they both worked at Burger King. Brendon was her boss. What happened next was so out of the blue, there was not one person in the room who could believe it. She stuck her hand down his pants, pulled out the pink cigar and went to town on it, and I'm not talking the Cuban variety. I'm talking he Monica Lewinsky variety. I could not believe it and actually had to get her to stop as she looked pretty committed to the task at hand. To top this off Brendan, the blow job-ee, sung a rap song throughout the whole process. Upon completion, the three girls who thought they'd won the $200 for their cream show, then immediately got up and said they'd top it off.

At this stage I decided to short circuit the talent quest and wrap it up and give the crowd a five minute break while I took legal advice from some pretty concerned management.

Hey it was just something that happened. No-one was hurt and it won't happen again, your honour. Anyway, I got back on stage and kinda felt a bit weird. It was going to be impossible to top that for excitement. The rest of the night was like a post coital cigarette. Very mellow.

Highlight being Frank who got up on stage and the Hilarious and kind-hearted Eddie, who is a refugee from Iraq. At the end of the night, he told the crowd how he loved Australia and he thinks it's hard for us to fully appreciate how lucky we are from here, as we haven't come from a war-ravaged country. It was a wholesome end to a spicy night. Anyway, hopefully I'll be seeing you next week. Remember people, the whole world is your stage, make love not war. Michelle good luck with your job promotion, at Burger King.

August 28th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

The BNO tonight, had an extraordinary amount of sexual chemisty on stage. I've forgotten the amount of people who pashed on stage. Couples, strangers, girl on girl. It was relentless A special thanks to Stephanie who let Chris suck her tit on stage. I don't care who you are, it was sensational viewing. Other highlights included the verbal stoush between Matt on sound and Kelly.

Also the council workers, for getting their arses literally whipped by Argie's belt. We later out found out they were cops. Great stuff. Thanks also for Mark my words and Alan Glover, for presenting their comic stylings. A big thank you to Alex the leso who offered to blow me in the carpark after the gig. Sorry for letting you down. My local supermarket had a sale on frozen chickens this week and I was a bit worn out. Tim, I hope you got your threesome. See you next week for more madness!

August 21st 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

I couldn't make the BNO this week. A big thanks to comedians Vicky B, Julia Wilson, Hollywood Brett, Gary Bradbury, Nick Johns, Paul Worrall and Adam Richard for filling in.

August 14th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

Five minutes into my show, my mobile phone went off. It was Warnie, asking for a root. From there we started to talk about pussy-itis: the male obsession with the base chakras. The night really kicked in however when the female fake orgasm was bought up as a topic. Jade was the star, letting everyone know why she did it and to who. We got some interesting cross-gender debate happening too.

The girls saying they faked it to hurry the root up and/or not to upset the fragile male ego. The guys then got in and said, they didn't care if the chicks came anyway - so no need to fake it, well Matt on sound did anyway. We also had Nicki get up on stage and pash Horsey Paul. What a moment. Then the Dickster came on and rocked the joint with his unique barand of Aussie country humour. This was then followed by an impromptu magic act by regular Adrian, who is looking for some stage time before heading to RSL land. Much appreciated. We then cut to the blow up boxing ring supplied by At Entertainment. There was a heap of brawling but highlight would have been the six girl bitch fight which had every bloke in the place leaning over the edge to watch.

We then had Joel Ozborn sign the official part of the night off with a sizzling late set. Joel's off to America in October to tour again with The Amazing Jonathon. We also had a zombie movie provided by Matt in the booth. The night then descended into the pits which hard core regulars have come to expect. Hulk Steve stole the show with his verbal input from the crowd. Hit and miss but that's what we love about him. Thanks also to Amanda who provided the finale of the night, by letting me push a tennis ball in and out of her cleavage, with my mouth.

August 9th 2003. Gladesville Bowling club.

Tonight we had a one off BNO at the Gladesville Bowl, thanks to Rick who rang me after seeing the SMH article a few months back. And what a top night.

The night was held in the upstairs auditorium and we had about sixty payers turning up, thanks to advertising throughout the members. The average age in the crowd was 'retired plus' but didn't they rock, getting right into the spirit.

The three acts we had on tonight were perfect using all their variety skills to give the crowd exactly what they wanted. Brian Damage and Krysstal, Peter Willey and Joel Ozborn. In between we had a lot of banter with the crowd. The stars were Bert who got up and told everyone his life story and Mary who loved giggling to dirty jokes.

The end of the night ended up with a group balloon animal lesson. Instead of making dogs though. most of the crowd made dildo's. All in all, it was a top night and I think it's a bit of a shame, more cross generational drinking doesn't go on more.

Compliment of the year came from Ben who said that during the break, most people said that the show should be $10, not $5. Thanks Gladesville Bowling Club, it was a pleasure working with you and we hope to be back. Next time, I'll bring the goat.

August 7th 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

As we plough throught the coldest Thursday's of the year, where most people would prefer to watch TV, the BNO still pumps. Tonight we had a tribute to some of our favourite acts. First up was Stef Torak. Stef's a seasoned performer right across Australasia. He can do magic, music, stand-up and loves to interact with the crowd. As usual he rocked.

After Stef we had the return of Allain de Woolf. our favourite hypnotist. After a six month break, Allain came back and blew the crowd away, hypnotising six people straight off the bat, including James, who did a nice strip for the crowd. The star though, was Chris who was doing anything Allain said, including imitating a chicken doing a shit in the corner. Great stuff.

We then had crowd favourite Vicky B get up, as one half of a new female singing comedy duo called Point-less. What a variety act. Great singing, great comedy, great banter, great synergy, great tits. What more could you want. I think they're on a winner. We also had the return of Barry tonight, after a three week abscence. Barry again captivated the crowd with his antics, often silencing the whole crowd who would hung on his every word, no matter what shit came out his mouth. We love Barry. And what a dude. A sixty-five year old Bushie, living from week to week off his pension, out on the piss and adored by all. This week we're going to take him to a rub and tug, because he hasn't had a root in twenty years. Stay tuned for the footage.

Matt chimed in with some great highlights footage from last week, all captured by Tim. Highlight being the couch fucker and the girl who gave me a blowie as a finale. We also had Mark slip on to the couch again. Mark is fast developing as a cult figure, stirring up both males and females with his chick pulling bravado. Great stuff and what a chick he bought in this week. Hope she had a good time. We certainly did.

We also had Poura the Kiwi rock up, onto the couch and pronounce she was having a birthday and very pissed. We couldn't get her to pash Dick but we got close. We also had new comedian Lawrence Yarwood give it a go on stage. Don't forget anyone can get up, take the BNO stage and give it ago. Who knows, Parramatta one night, next night, Harris Park?

As usual, Matt on sound chimed in with his unsensitive new age chauvinism, which spiced the night up. Thanks also to Chopper Steve who gave the finale to the show with some dirty arse banter with any chick he could lay his eyes on. Stay tuned for more surprises next week.

July 31st 2003. The Albion Hotel, Parramatta.

The BNO reached new highs tonight and with it came new lows. Firstly the comedians. I was very proud of the line-up tonight. Three top notch headline acts who had never been to the BNO in it's two year history. Anthony Mir kicked off the night and was drooled on by Michelle in the front row, who specially requested him.

Then on came Bruce Griffiths. Fortunately the crowd had settled down a bit when Bruce came on, to what is normally way too rowdy a crowd for his style of comedy. Bruce stood up there for thirty seconds, not saying a word, sucked the crowd in and then delivered about the best set I've seen at the BNO. Bruce is the master of the one-line and he delivered them one after another to a crowd that shut up and soaked it in. We then, had the usual BNO carnage.

Highlight being Buzzy from Gondiwindi who bought his ex-wife up and her new lover. He then proceeded to root the couch. Pants down, no mucking around. Sensational stuff. We had Mark up who, stirred the crowd up with his chat up lines. He then topped his performance off with a half naked break dance. There was also Debbie and a whole lot of other stuff that had to be seen to be believed, including Amanda's friend who got up and told the story of the guy she spewed on last Sunday morning because he didn't go down on her.

We also had Steve Allison get up in between all of this and show everyone why he's a top stand-up act in Brisbane. The night then went down hill, severely, right up until the finale. I forgotten her name but she came up and simulated a blow-job on me. I then returned the favour by chewing out her jeans while she lied back and waved to the crowd. It was the finale the night deserved.

A night where the highs and lows of entertainment were extended just a little further. When will it burst? And whose face will it land on? See you next week for more madness.

The Paddington Bowling Club one and only report Fri June 6th

I was extremely excited about our first night at The Paddington Bowling Club. Two weeks before I had met up with the manager who was keen to start the night there. The lead up to the gig couldn't have been better. On the very day of the gig, the Sydney Morning Herald Metro section had done an article on the Big Night Out, specifically saying that The Big Night Out was coming to the Paddo Bowling Club every Friday, starting tonight. Money can't buy an ad like that. I was excited.

Things dramatically changed when I turned up early to the gig. The barman was complaining about all the people ringing up during the day asking about the night. He told everyone of them, that he didn't know what they were talking about. It was pretty obvious that communication between the manager and his staff wasn't real good. Things got worse. I looked around the bar and discovered it was dominated by 40 blokes from a building company who had been drinking non-stop since 2pm. Three of them had their pants around their ankles. On the other half of the room were various couples and groups who had turned up for the night. I knew that for the night to work I was going to have to get on top of the 40 builders pretty early.

Imagine my horror when I found out that the sound system I was promised didn't work. Fuck it, I was determined to make this night work. The forty builders were operating on about 6 brain cells between them, so I did what I could. I got five of them to take off all their gear and do two laps around the room for a free beer. They were so pissed that no only did they do it but they forgot about the beers I'd offered them when they'd completed the two laps. On the way around we had a good value chick sitting at a table with her boyfriend and father and friends. I asked her what she thought about the entertainment so far. She said she wanted to see bigger cocks. I then tried to negotiate fresh meat to run around the room on the condition that she flashed her jugs.

Fair deal I thought. At this point the father and boyfriend got up and told me to fuck off. The then went and told the manager that I was offensive. The manager then told me to forget about the show and to forget about being paid. He then told me that the sound system not working, was my problem not his. At this point I looked around the room to see a whole lot of my friends who had come down to see the night from as far as The Blue Mountains, not to mention the others who had come via the newspaper article. I was pretty pissed off but there was nothing much I could do without a microphone so I sat down with them all and had a drink.

Half way through the drink, the fire alarm went off and we were all evacuated out of the venue. There we were all out in the car park, most of the builders barely able to stand. I figured at this point I at least had their attention, so I pulled out my fire sticks and started juggling. One of the bar staff then came over and said the people clapping was causing too much noise for the neighbours and could I please stop it and go away. Anyway, to cut a long story short we all went down to the Coogee Bay Hotel and shook our heads at what a monumental fuck up my first and only gig at The Paddington Bowling Club was. Don't go there. It's a shit hole and the place is run by a knob who just fucked up his best chance to have to have the place turned into a successful venue.

19/03/03

We were unfortunately missing Steve tonight who was away on tour with Jimmy Barnes' 'Babysitter blues' tour, but we pressed on. Rebecca or 'Hoover' was our first wildcard onto the couch. What a mouth. Byrce then entertained us with his 'what's happens next?' quiz from his internet snuff and porn collection. Allana took the quiz out as well as an arm wrestle on the way. We then had Sally pash Norma, followed by Cheech getting a baby oil rub down by a couple of chicks while lying on the two stage poofs.

Our comedians tonight were superhunk, Dave Pollard, Marty Lappan and Jilkimu. Thanks boys! Cassy made a return to the BNO with her amazing voice and original repetoire. The talent quest dug up the talents of an amazing songwriter called Brett who sung 'Blacktown road' to John Denver's, 'Country Road'. He took out the talent quest as well as most of the pub's bourbon supply. Great stuff. Don't miss, next week. We're having the BNO oscar awards as well as an air guitar display from the finalists of the NSW championships recently held in Penrith. It'll be huge - that's if the world is still around then.

Thurs June 5th - The Albion

The Big Night Out rocked tonight. A huge crowd turned up and were served up with a massive comedy line-up: Garry Who, Jackie Loeb and George Smilovici. No where else will you see such a line-up on the one bill for free. Highlight was when George tryed to get the two chicks in the pool room to shut-up. Or as George called them: 'Blonde sluts'. What followed was a pool ball being hurled on stage ramming into one of the stage lights. Tough gig!

Other than that the night was generally full of love. This was best illustrated by Johnno who got to pash three chicks on stage in procession. The talent quest was won by Adrian who stood on his head and drunk a schooner. In second place was Steve who stuck his legs behind his head, sung a Frank Sinatra song and then stuffed ten, 10c coins up his nose. As usual Byrce blew us away with his internet video show. Highlight being the girl getting her clit pierced. All up a top night out.

Wed May 28th - Wentworth

Uni holidays were over and the place was jumping again. We did the BNO out the back in the courtyard this week without a microphone. Highlight was the snake display from James from Reptile's galore. He pulled out small snakes, a saltwater croc, a bearded dragon and then a huge mother of a snake which then proceeded to eat a dead rat. Great stuff

12/3/03:

We had a huge line-up tonight. First up was Massimo, the Mark my words, Peter Willey and then the money shot from the Brian Damage duo who walked off to a standing ovation. Comedy at it's best. Steve got me back tonight and I'd definitely say we're even now because I had the same ten pound jugs slapped into my temples as he did last week. Cheers. I shudder to think what we're going to get for each other's birthday next year. The next step, I reckon is ropes and penetration.

Anyway.. We were graced tonight with a load of Canadian students who came down, talked about their jugs and shit like that. Great value and they took out the talent quest for an eclectic mix of bullshit. Second was Greg who licked his own tits. We've got another huge line-up next week. Tell your friends and get down at 8:30pm for a good seat. Four hours of entertainment for nothing. Spread your seed, spread your legs and spread the word. Make Waugh captain and not Love. Lick Bush but don't vote for him and don't BagDad. He's a good bloke.

5/3/03

Tonight was Steve’s birthday. Highlight of the night would definitely be watching Steve receive his fat-agram. He was nearly knocked unconscious, in the early rounds by her two ten pound jugs but he came up for air just in time to get a close up snatch shot, while being pinned to the ground. Michelle the fat-agram did a great job. It takes a lot of guts to do what she does and she backed it up with a great interview on the couch.

We then went through an array of issues, including: do ugly people try harder in bed and why do chicks root bad boys over nice boys. Thomas Bromhead was our feature act tonight with his voice impersonations. Highlight for me was his Bob Carr impersonation. See you all next week. Michelle and Tracey, keep up the good work on the forum. I’m loving your work. Winner of the talent quest tonight was Vic Robbo with his Michael Jackson moon-walk impersonation. Second was Onya-Sonya for bumping our bar tab up.

26/2/03

The BNO came out of a two-month lull last night with a huge line-up and full house. We kicked off things with the very talented and unique 'Sister She' - a comedy rap duo. Their songs had the whole crowd focussed and set up the night. We then interviewed them on stage, where they were just as funny. Next we had Michael Jackson step up to the stage with a dance demo to his best songs. Well done Michael. We love you and don't believe the rumours.

We then had three big headline comedy acts grace the stage, two of whom have been on 'Rove Live'. James Smith, Fred Lang and Darren Sanders. Rusty Bubbles then won the talent quest for no other reason than he told me after the show, he wanted his name on the trophy. Thank you also to Kelly who popped in to sing a few numbers with Steve and James for filling in for Bryce. See you all next week.

12/2/03

Not our best show but there were flashes of excitement for the hard core fans. Highlight of the night would definitely Rumplestiltskin. A genuine, unique performer who has travelled the world over the last ten years performing in medieval festivals in over 56 countries. This guy is the genuine article and had everyone in stiches with his bizarre innocence and scatter comedy. We were meant to have a Michael Jackson impersonator pop in but he couldn’t make it due to a baby sitting appointment. He’s re-scheduled in, in two weeks time.

We had a valentine’s day theme and associated questioning. The main thing that came out was that chicks expect blokes to do all the work when it comes to romance. Our talent quest was won by Rebecca and Jade who re-enacted a leso rape scene (not a good joke but a joke none the less). Bryce again intrigued us all with an array of romantic scenes put to music. Highlight for me was seeing a demonstration of what happens during a pap smear. Hey, it could be worse, at least we’re not going to the other side of the world to bomb the fuck out of innocent people. I’m going to be away in East Timor next week, entertaining our troops and chasing goats, but the show will go on.Thanks all for turning up and facing the front.

29/1/03

Well, well, well. I spent the last three days editing highlight tapes of the BNO out and rocked up without really preparing a show…..and it kinda showed. Tonight was one of the lamest and most debauch shows we’ve done but hey those who hung around to the end, ended up getting what they waited for. The night started to go downhill from the opening when we realised the new couch that Tim the Wog from Bridge furniture donated, had a fold out bed. Steve and I decided to lie in it and go to sleep.

When we woke up we realised the crowd had too. The show was only really saved tonight by a host of great comedians who dropped in. Colin Pasche, Brett Nichols, Barry Mcleod, Vicky B and Judas. Thank you one and all. After they had left the night disintegrated into a stip fest which was eventually won by Chloe and Renee after they both showed the crowd their jugs in between Bryce’s internet video show. Hey, compared to what’s about to happen in the middle east, the show was quite innocent. Let’s not let things get out of perspective.

Highlight of the night however Tracey’s written onslaught on the forum section. Please have a read. It’s about the only thing interesting happening at The Big Night Out recently and I thank you sincerely Tracey, for doubling hits to the site. Keep up the good work. The Big Night is currently going through a bit of a lull after a pretty intense, three months. I’m going to be away for the next few weeks so hopefully things will pick up. Vicky B will be co-hosting the show with Steve. Go the chicks!

We’re looking over the next couple of months to introduce some new ideas, if anyone has got any. I hear what not to do anymore on the forum, loud and clear. Some ideas on what to do, would be good. E.g games, segments etc. One idea of Bryce’s is to start airing short films, once new tv screens are put up. Anyway the show wasn’t a cracker tonight but thanks for coming anyway. Next week, Vicky B! Don’t forget to keep getting onto forum with your ideas. Traceface, you crack me up! Can’t wait till you come back down to the show.

22/1/03

Tonight was an absolute belter which came right out of the blue. At 8:20pm, there was only about 15 people in the room. By 10:00pm the room was chockers. And what a night. I’m going to have to go to the video footage later to get the full story. Our night kicked with a great interview with the Australian Osbourne family held together by the 18 year old Avril Lavigne lookalike. Great sports. We then had a fantastic display of sensual belly dancing by the lovely Catherina. She then got up and taught some girls with balloon strap-ons around their hips how to do it.

Our comedy was top notch tonight as usual. Johnny Livings took the bullet up front and set up the night for two ripper sets from Tony Bailey and the perennial Mick Meredith. Well done boys. Steve then kicked the evening for six by setting up a babe panel on the couch and taking them through a series of questions boys are too scared to ask. I.e do you masturbate, does width or length matter more and what’s the best way to ask a girl if she wants to take it up the chocky speedway. Thank you girls for your frankness.

The talent show went off tonight. Vernon popped in again and gave another fantastic display in the car park of his magic dick trick. Thirty people went out to watch him stuff twenty, twenty cent coins down his foreskin and then spit them out like a poker machine. If it was legal to do, it inside, we would have. What else? Pens were stuck up each other’s noses, strangers came up and pashed. The winner this week however went to Bev and Ciel who came up and delivered a leso pash with an intimate build-up.

The night was topped with an amazing display of video footage from Byrce: For the Big Night Out eyes only. We also heard some sad news that the BNO glamour couple of James (the camera man) and TraceFace were in the middle of a bit of a spat. Hopefully they’ll sort things out though and be chock a block up each other before the week is out. Happy Birthday Teagan and Tim and see you next week.

15/1/02

We went out hard tonight. The night was kicked in by a two year old called Harvey, who came up onto the couch for our first interview. Can’t remember what he said but he was a funny little cunt, who had the crowd in stiches. We then went onto our first game, ‘perfect snatch’ where we asked the big questions, people want to know in the game of love. We had Enrique and three chicks hidden behind a door. Well done Enrique. He won a date with ‘Poodle’.

We then had the dramatic arrival of Biker Paul who arrived onto the stage on his Harley-Davidson. He then gave us a run down of his bike. His best story was, when he hit a brick wall in Bathurst doing 240km/h. He was in hospital for nine years. He’s now fighting fit now though and lovin’ life. We auctioned off a ride around the block which was won by Kat. Thanks heaps Paul (and for Bryce for organising it). Hope to see you again.

We then raffled off the lucky door prize, which ended up being an actual door. Cassy was our feature musician tonight. Accompanied by Steve, they both put on a great set. Don’t forget to check Steve and his band, this Saturday night at The Basement. We had a number of comedians drop in tonight. Thanks to John Kelly, Wayne Deakin and our feature act Simon Kennedy, who can be heard on Nova FM, each Sunday night. Thanks also to Jethro for heckling every thirty seconds.

Lehmo then came down and gave everyone a chance to get into the Guiness book of records. Unfortunately, no-one could get three cheeseburgers into their mouth or spit a marshmallow out of their nose for more than four metres. It was fun watching though. Michael however managed to come close to the record of sticking 270 straws in his mouth. For than effort he won the talent quest with Lee, who was the stuffer-inera. Close second went to a girl called Chris and some lucky guy for pashing and feeling each other up on stage. Next week, bring your dancing shoes. We going Salsa and belly dancing.

The jackpot for any chick who roots Tim goes up next week to $70.

18/12/02

The last night of the year ended very fittingly with an all out jelly wrestle on stage. A big thanks to Brian, Sheree and the kitchen staff for making the jelly and adding the squid. A nice touch. First in was Amanda followed by a bevy of chicks and Ben and Chris the barstaff. Next Steve was hauled in, followed by Jimbo. The highlight however was seeing Dave and George the two bouncers chuck Carl the publican in. From there it got ugly. The crowd watched in horror while those in the pit shoved squid up every orriface.

Prior to the jelly wrestling was the legendary Arj Barker. I’ve never seen a crowd listen to a comedian more intently. Thanks Arj! We also Hajje the pizza man come in and find out he’d walked into the set of, ‘This is your life’. And we had a heap of other shit. The night was filmed professionally tonight by some help from UWS. We’re looking forward to editing the night in with all the footage captured by James up the back for the last eight weeks. Priceless stuff James!

Steve and I want to thank all the people who have turned up to the BNO and turned it into the successful show it’s been over the last year and a half. There’s a heap of you. Tim, James, Mick, Amanda, Corrine, Bryony, just to name a few....Thanks also to Matty on sound, Bryce in the booth, Mick – Bryce’s assistant, Carl the licencee, David Milton for booking us, Dee in Ireland for doing the website, Josh for the trophy engravings, Tim and James on camera, all the bar staff and bouncers who also help set up and pack the chairs. The biggest thanks goes though to the police for not making one arrest during our show. See you all next year and have a safe holiday. Don’t eat any jelly!

11/12/02

Just when I thought The Big Night Out had peaked, another Wednesday rolls around. Tonight was The Big Night Out Christmas party. Steve and Jimbo donned their santa gear and Bryce decked the place out in pine trees, recently hacked off his neighbours driveway. Steve and Jimbo spent the first hour getting chicks to sit on their laps while they handed out pressies wrapped by Jeannie. Tegan then came up and gave a speech encouraging everyone to donate money into her fire relief tin. Being three months preggas she assured everyone it wasn’t going towards a golden coat-hanger.

Anyway we then had the pleasure of Dave Pollard coming on and doing his unique comedy routine. A walking stick, a hearing problem and a stutter. A true comic legend. We then had Pete Meisel come up and bend the crowd over, giving them exactly what they wanted. A comic evergreen and the first comic to come back twice to the BNO. We then had Podge’s band called ‘A Night of Swords’ come up and do their first ever gig. They’ve been practicing for a year and still need a singer. Congrats boys and good luck, making a career out of it. Out the front, Tegan danced her little arse off, nearly inducing a miscarriage. Podge the drummer of course, being the lucky man who inseminated her. We then had the legend Aussie comic, George Smilovici grace the stage. One of the best we’ve had. Thank you George, it was an honour having you here. Sorry about the death threats in the car park before you arrived.

We then cut to the talent quest and ‘oh my god’. First Brendan, from Mullumbimby got up on stage and gave us some great comedy. A true madman. Brendan came second in the quest. First place went to Vernon who showed everyone how he could stick ten, twenty cent pieces inside his foreskin. The act was so lewd we were forced to go into the carpark to watch it, because Carl the publican said it was illegal. Anyway it was worth the walk. The last laugh would have been on the poor prick who picked the coins up in the morning. A truly big night. Next week is our last night of the year. Jelly Wrestling and Arj Barker, the USA superstar comedian...and that’s just the scripted part...

4/12/02

Tonight was a voyeurs delight, but more of that later. The night kicked off with some crab racing of the hermit crab variety as opposed to pubic species. The same crab kept on winning. The doping experts are now testing samples. We think he was pissed, because he constantly walked sideways. Highlight of the night though would have been Cheech and Chong who bought their Mum and family down. And didn't Pam and Margaret get some good value out of the show. They were chosen as judges on 'Mr Albion 2002', where they got to squeeze the arses and check out at close range, all contestants. They ended up going with Mitch because, 'he had the hardest arse'. Well done girls.

Next was 'Miss Albion 2002', which was basically just an excuse for Steve and Jimbo to pull chicks out of the audience and parade them around the stage. No-one seemed to mind. Anyway, two hours of pulling chicks up on stage later, a winner was found: The lovely Gloria was voted over-whelmingly by the crowd to be the BNO babe. Well done Gloria, you put all the younger chicks to shame with your grace, poise, personality and monster jugs.

After three hours of switching the brain off and thinking with our groins, we then threw our feature comedian onto an exhausted crowd. The talented Jonas Holt. Well done Jonas! Our Talent Quest as usual degenerated into a karaoke strip show. One guy got up and flashed his nads once too often and got carted out by Dave the bouncer. (We're allowed to show tits but not any downstairs bits.) Mate, whoever you are, we appreciated your enthusiasm anyway and we hope to see you next week. Guys like you really bump up our bar tab.

As usual Bryce interspersed the show with the best bits off the net, throughout the week and James did a valiant effort of filming the show despite Trace rubbing his cock all night. They met at the BNO and love and the bulge in James's pants continue to grow. Remember to use the raincoat though...just ask Tegan and Podge why. There are two weeks left of the BNO this year. Next week is the Christmas show and the following, our finale featuring the USA superstar comedian, Arj Barker. He's been on Letterman and soon The Big Night Out!

27/11/02

An amazing show. We found out tonight that Tegan, our favourite stripper was, 'up the duff'. Apparently she had been coppin' some regular loads without the raincoat on. Nature did the rest. The lovely couple graced our stage and talked everyone through the decision to keep the baby and make a go of it, despite only going out for three months. We also got Tegan on tape saying that if the baby was more than a week late, she's prepared to get induced on the BNO stage and show the crowd some bonus parts of her body, they haven't seen yet. What a way to enter the world - to a standing ovation at a pub. Should make great viewing.

We then proceeded onto Bryce's brainchild. The legendary game called, 'What's in the bucket?' - where three contestants are blindfolded and told to have a grope around the bucket to guess what's in it. Great stuff. The show had a distinct live feel tonight. A hampster, a rat, a rabbit and finally a snake. One of our contestants was Satan. Even he was scared.

We then introduced James and Joanne who went onto to stun the crowd with an array of snake, crocodile and lizard handling. Highlight for me was seeing Steve bolt off the stage when asked to hold the python. James then went onto to give the big fella a dead rat to munch on. Ten minutes it was gone. Only at the BNO.

We then had the lovely Ange Addison up on stage to soothe the crowds nerves with a great original acoustic set. We love you Ange. We then had our first of two celebrity performers. First was Tug Dumbly. Tug is Australia's formost, performance poets and a regular on JJJ's breakfast shift. Tug's stuff is high art and had the conniseurs of the BNO salivating over his witty slants on this thing called life. Tug then proceeded to get blind for the rest of the night in the corner perving on the tit action in our talent quest or as he called it, 'research'. We then had big hairy Dave Callan from 'Rove Live fame'. Dave blew the crowd away with a great money shot. Three encores after his set, Dave went off to do the same as Tug.

The talent quest bought up some unusual talent. None more so than the guy who skulled a middie of tomato sauce. Even the chicks found this hard to swallow. The night however was won by the sultry striptease from Kim from Holland. Cheech's current shag. Apparently they met in a threesome. If you don't believe this all happened, get down to The Albion each wednesday at 8:30pm and take a birdseye peak into the coalface of humanity. The BNO, it goes off. Thanks to all the regulars who make the show such a success. See you next week for crab racing.

20/11/02

The crowd tonight was the biggest ever. Thank you everyone for coming down. It was jammed. We started out the night with trivia quiz, which got everyone's brains focused while they had one. Korrine the kindy teacher took out the title, with a score of 19 out of 20. Well done Bryce for coming up with the idea and questions.

This was followed up with a set from Damo and Christo, BNO talent quest winners come good. They're playing their first paid gig at The Collector on Sunday arvo at 5pm. Make sure you catch them. We then had some super stand-up sets from Lehmo and the legendary Garry Who from 'All together now' fame. Well down all, for listening and laughing.

From there the night descended. The only thing that gave it credibility was a packed crowd that was loving it. Anyway we basically had a showdown between Chris and Caz for the affections of our stunt cock Ray who was looking for a root for the night. Both girls got him down to his undies on stage, stuck their hand down his y-fronts and then rubbed a bit of vaso on his trouser snake. I won't say anymore, you had to be there. It was fun, it was harmless, it was naughty, it was the big night out.

Don't forget to book tickets for this weekend's harbour cruise. Next week will indeed be huge. As usual Bryce will shock everyone with his internet portals into humanities darker and lighter sides. He's also got 'What's in the bucket?, lined up and it's going to be beauty. We've also got Australia's premier performance poet, Tug Dumley from JJJ. Get down early for a front row seat.